Living a Life of Unsatisfaction: A Journey of Self-Discovery
You walk up the sick and piss stinking streets of the early Saturday morning town centre. Initially you thought the destination would be a bus station, that made sense as the trip was about to be a long and expensive one, but on checking the email the postcode and bus stop number was taking you down a confusing street. “What the fuc…” You think, and say, as your eyes help the brain realise this situation isn’t a good one.
It was supposed to be a great situation, there was excitement and nerves - a prediction of the future that looked enjoyable. But now, a real draining feeling. It’s like putting a thermometer into a cup of ice - the mercury plummets down to the negative numbers. The narrative is a negative one right now and it’s feeling more negative by the minute.
The idea a couple of months previous was to create a whole experience around a celebratory ‘trip with the boys’. It is for good reason. But somewhere in that planning it seemed like a cracking idea to take the ‘party bus’ there. The stories, the predictions and the thoughts around what this bus was going to be were fuelled by the fact we were going to be in Austria Skiing and partying at a unique festival - all week! All that excitement - draining in this moment looking at the bus, the stench of Friday night pavement sick, the sound of the street cleaner overtaking the stationary bus - “What the fuck is that?”
This is a personal experience, an example of a flaw from the brain. As we stepped on the bus and worked our way to seats, the realisation and panic going on in the brain means that all we can focus on right now is that metaphorical thermometer plummeting further below freezing. This isn’t how it was supposed to be, “where was the luxurious coach escorting us to the alps?” Now even the most exciting prediction of the future is forgotten about. “This is just typical” Is all you can think.
It reminds me of a life of feeling unsatisfied.
“This trip ‘shouldn’t’ be starting like this!” Already the brain’s immediate experience convinces the body we’re in a state of alarm. The predictions it has made on the glorious outcome we are entitled to are wrong - and now we’re using ‘should’ as part of the negative narrative, to convince us further.
What I’ve learned is the power of ‘should’ and ‘could’ in creating or reshaping a narrative. This brain and its ‘flaws’, the one that is creating the experience around the bus, has already gone straight into alarm mode. Hurtling into the eye of the storm grasping onto some form of control, straining - like the forearms of a storm chaser wrestling with a steering wheel as it careers into the swirling debris. The predicted reality ‘I’ created isn’t true, now panic. And, then tell yourself how you’ve fucked this right up. The gaslighting brain wreaks havoc as it searches for reason and meaning as to how you’ve managed to put the two of you in this situation, “You should have read the reviews, can’t believe you didn’t fly, you should have made better choices, now look at us.”
In this moment there is no openness, calmness or rational thought. You don’t realise that the storm you’ve found yourself in - the flood of emotion and feeling - is just residing in a teacup. The predictions of knowledge based on previous experiences, once fabricated then in the past, are back in the present to ‘help’. The blind leading the blind. The narrative is strongly negative because we’re just trying to get control. Changing a ‘should’ to a ‘could’ switches it up.
“This trip could actually be starting like this!” In this challenge, the difference is massive. You’re still very much swirling around the bottom of that fine china tea cup, the jingling sound of the saucer clanging either side of the bottom of the cup - but because we’ve slipped a sweetener of the ‘could’ in - we’re in the exact moment, present as fuck. That thing, scenario or experience is still happening. It’s gone nowhere, it is still shit - but because we’re present with the challenge - we’re a touch more open, teeny bit calmer and in there somewhere is a glimmer of rational thought.
When rational thought is working for us we can understand that the very thing that’s guaranteed every day is change and yet it’s the very thing we’re acting up against. Allowing the brain to take over and freak out at change, the thing that is always going to happen feels a bit bonkers. No wonder there’s a feeling of being unsatisfied - everything’s always changing. Plus, it always happens to you don’t it? You’re unlucky, you’re a forgetful family, you never win anything, you don’t know why you bother and why does it always rain on you? The narratives that are falsely created through poor prediction because it’s all we have - or all we’ve managed to hold onto.
The predictions and narratives - your story - that’s been created for you, by you + your surroundings are false. But that’s absolutely fine. In fact that’s great. Even pretty fun because you get to play with the challenge. For me, it felt like getting over a wall and then there being another one right after it. A ballache. Wishing a painful experience away instead of seeing the wonder in it. This shit takes practice though. A lot of looking at oneself. It wasn’t until finding a space for reflection in counselling and coaching that I started to be open to an alternative narrative.
It’s a self-discovery thing. The long and winding European roads from Birmingham to Mayrhofen via France and wherever - 18 hours worth - to get from A to B on a shitty bus, serves us well in imagining how hard, long and unpredictable self discovery is going to be. Plus we will also misunderstand what it actually means. For me it’s not discovering more about yourself by yourself - even when that’s the prize you’re recognised for. It doesn’t happen on your own. Investment in yourself is important and with counselling and coaching I’m beautifully and painfully aware of the brain, its flaws and the space it’s trying to do its best in. But, make no mistake you’ll still find me panicking in the swell of the tea storm, gasping for air and flailing my arms around searching for some way of feeling control again - all within that teacup separate from a living reality experience. In my brain’s narrative, fuelled by its terrible predictions.
In the end you’ll get to the festival. Worn out, looking rough and a bit bewildered. But, you’ll get there and it will be an achievement. As shite as the bus and the journey was there was a lot of fun to be had in the challenge. As much as there was suffering, the amount you learned and appreciated carved you a bit more. Of course though, you’re no Alan Watts in this moment you’re just glad you’re going to put your body through another challenge while choosing to not sleep, physically torture it on a ski slope and eat and drink the opposite of what helps it. It doesn’t bare thinking about when you’re choosing to enjoy your moment - but at some point in the near distant future you’ve got to do the return journey - that challenge is going to be even worse, so you may as well enjoy them using a ‘could’ in your narrative the brain is telling you - but while you’re in that shitty moment the very least you could do is ask yourself “could I find some satisfaction in this?”
