Letting the Flood In

There’s nothing different about the smell of the van. A working van mixed with the synthetic cherry’ness kind of smell. The pieces of card hanging from the rear view mirror are there to provide the masking of the working van smell - “but can’t you see fuck all with them dangling there?” You think. These are just thoughts, aimed at masking, avoiding other thoughts. 

There’s also nothing different about this normal route home. The winding British countryside - not too countryside - perfectly groomed high hedges either side of the main road. The type of roads that look nice to us with their rolling hills backdrop, but shit for hedgehogs and badgers. You start feeling a sadness towards hedgehogs, badgers and frogs. Emotionally avoiding something bubbling away underneath. 

The end of the day is always challenging. The end of the working day. That usual - nothing different kind of day is challenging because if anything your melatonin is doing its thing - like when you feel that sleepiness around 3pm. Providing the feedback, letting the brain know it’s time to slow the fuck down. It’s not just that though. There’s a common theme of thoughts, feelings and emotions going on. As you head towards your front door the overwhelming sense of apprehension can’t be helped. 

You take the final steps of the usual nothing different journey home and it’s almost painful. It is painful. Now all you can concentrate on is a weird sense of loss that doesn’t make sense. Something else to think about while avoiding the inevitable. The brain is offering it’s useless support again, it’s time to let the flood in yet all it wants to do is avoid - be kind to the brain though it’s all it knows as it tries its best to help you out.  

This is a personal experience of how odd the brain works. How it can feel like it’s working against you, for some of the time. A lot of the time. 

To notice and pay attention to is a great skill if you’ve managed to sharpen it. The brain loves to feel the rhythms and pattern of familiarity - but when it’s focusing on the volatile organic compounds of the synthetic cherry’ness of the van air freshener instead of that niggling and out of place sense of loss and loneliness - lets spare a thought on that. 

“Why don’t we let the flood in?”

Doesn’t it always feel like the fucking floods being let in though? Those absolute cunts of thoughts and feelings, where the brain attempts to get you to just sit and be, thinking, not actually doing anything purposely. There’s a real ‘going through the motions’ type of thing going on. An avoidance. 

As you walk through the door, drop your things, work bags to the office, clothes to the bedroom, shoes on the rack, coat on the hook - you don’t even know this is happening - the nothing different kind of day. 

“Air fresheners contain volatile organic compounds (VOCs), some of which are possible hazardous air pollutants, carcinogens, or chemicals associated with adverse health effects such as asthma.” 

Why has this even been googled? The edge of the bed feels comfier than ever, the phone is light and ergonomically perfect in your palm, the blue light of the phone kissing your eyeballs gently as you scroll and stare reading the glorious information pouring into your brain, but right now what makes a car air freshener an air freshener isn’t really important, No matter how comfortable it feels. The brain, speaking of which, is having the best time. The rhythm and pattern will do just nicely. It’s like the best way to get a ferret calm is to hold under its front legs and while it dangles down from your hands gently pendulum swing it from side to side - calm as fuck ferret. Rhythm and pattern. 

The distraction is very real and happening all the time. Is this what is meant by “Doesn’t it always feel like the floods being let in? That fucking melancholy and then the berating of one’s self - that is a form of flood. It’s still just a distraction though. You feel like that all the time so it’s still rhythm and pattern. 

So, let’s pay attention to the rhythm and pattern, consciously, no matter how much of a ball ache it is. 

In that moment there can be a pause - a choice is made. Is it you that is making the choice or the brain? Who’s hanging the coat up, you or the brain? Is your arse being swung from side to side while you gently snuggle up in the cupped palms of the brains sexy hands? 

“What do we need?”

Don’t you just need to not feel like this anymore though? In fact, doesn't the distraction actually help? The brain has to keep the body functioning, both inside and outside of the body. The constant change in the surroundings is difficult but it adapts all the time based on your learned rhythms and patterns. Team up with the brain instead of letting it run shit and the narrative starts to change. 

You sit on the comfier than usual, nothing different kind of bed and the penny drops that you don’t need to be on Google right now. Definitely not ordering 4 for £10 California Scents car air fresheners - Coronado Cherry. Breath. It’s impossible to be anywhere else so start with needing to sit. If the brain could really do with some rhythm and pattern then breathing in for 4 and out for 7 is probably a sure fire way to help that. 

The phone goes down and as you look outside the window you notice how banging the evening weather is. “What’s next?” The brain thinks and voices in your head like someone shouting from a corridor, slightly muffled as it moves further away running off to drum up a list of things to get done. Trying its best to react to the change in your state, in your space.

“Right now it looks like the perfect time to head to the viaduct.” You hear yourself say. But, is there something that weighs heavy? Are you going to walk to the viaduct just focusing on a bit of work? Would it be better to spend the time doing some washing? Does the body feel like it just needs to stay put and smash ten bells out of the PS5 controller? 

While counting “1..2..3..4” sucking the air up silently into the nose. “1..2..3..4..5..6..7” feeling your belly tuck in as the breath releases. All of these challenges are going on in your mind - you haven’t moved, but the comfy corner of the bed starts to feel less comfy and you swear you’ve just heard a wren shout “get the fuck outside!” 

While on the walk you notice the smells of the wild garlic and the bickering of the different species of birds that claim the branches of the ash and oak trees that are starting to burst out in bloom. The water speeds up and loses momentum further down the river Nidd as you pass along its side. “Bollocks this bit’s well muddy!”, you hear the brain pipe up - but in this state in this space you find yourself telling your brain “it’s all good mate, we’ll just walk round it.”

You’re in it together and the choices feel purposeful. You could choose to start with noticing the flood of the negative narrative then asking “what do I need?” Most of the time it just needs to notice the breathing, have a look around and accept you can’t be anywhere else right now. The rest will work itself out with practice. Eventually you may even realise that those out of place feeling of loss and loneliness are just a fear of being bored.